no one will be bothered

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

I have no idea where this came from. But it's a tiny bit of Kita introspection, because I knew what she was thinking during the thread and she wouldn't have typed it out.

(This is the thread in question.)

---

By the time I'd gotten back to my room in the Athenaeum, Emory had mostly fallen asleep in the second bed, and was willing to return the computer to my control. Therefore, I grabbed the laptop and went through work things, then personal things, email and whatnot, and then checked LiveJournal.

When I saw Su's post, chills ran up my spine.

I knew why.

I didn't like it.

I knew it was okay, really, to be worried about my friends, but this was beyond a friendly concern, and I wasn't about to admit that. I didn't want to admit to it. Not even to myself.

So I didn't, and I asked him if he was okay, which he assured me he was, and then seemed to brush off the conversation altogether.

He knew, of course, most of why I really asked.

I hated him for it.

But he started to tease and joke with me, and so I felt better, because I knew, I knew that no matter how off he sometimes was, just like the rest of us, if anything had happened to Ha he wouldn't be teasing me. When I said that to him, he reassured me that I was right.

I know I'm not supposed to care this much, I typed, and hit post comment, and a moment later he replied:

So long as you know, you are allowed to do so anyway.

No one will be bothered.

I swallowed, and played dumb, replying with ... Su? I didn't tell you?

Of course I didn't tell him.

I wasn't ready to tell him. He would just tell Haldean, and that was my responsibility. Something I needed to do. And there I was, screwing up my chance to do it, just like I tended to screw up my chances with everything else.

I needed a drink, and I told this much to Emory as I settled back to tell Su everything I could. The long silence before my response must've given away that it was a sensitive issue, but I wasn't yet tipsy enough to be able to give that away so easily.